


Damaged

by Swanky_Batman



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Drinking, F/M, Swearing, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-18
Updated: 2018-07-18
Packaged: 2019-06-12 16:41:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15344052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swanky_Batman/pseuds/Swanky_Batman
Summary: Ben Solo happens to be training at the same time as you and it turns out you get along better than he does with most people.





	1. Ben- Solo?

“Ben, knock it off,” You laughed, blocking a small branch and grass flying at you as you were running through the forest.

“Come on, Y/L/N.” He mocked with more than a hint of humor, “don’t let me distract you.” He laughed, running after you, reaching down and grabbing another handful of debris.

“Cut it out,” You giggled, gasping as you ran closer towards the edge of the rocks, trying to stop your momentum.

Ben grabbed you and pulled you back and you both fell onto the grass, laughing.

“Hey,” you turned to face him after a moment, laying on the grass next to him.

“Yes?”

“How come you’re never this open in training?” You mused, “With the other students? With Master Skywalker?”

He frowned a little, “They’re not very interesting or talented. And they all follow him like he’s a force of nature. Like they can’t do anything he doesn’t say.” He met your eyes, “You seem to be different. You’re strong. You like to complete studies independent of him.”

“Sounds like you’ve got family issues.” You mused a little. He had let it slip that Luke had probably been related to him, and he didn’t seem to open past that, “Sorry.” You admitted after seeing his demeanor change, “I don’t mean to push.”

“You do,” He smirked to you, absently pulling a leaf from your hair before patting your hair down in that spot and you went pink, realizing how close he was.

“You push all of your boundaries. It would be unfair of me to compliment you for the same thing in one subject and condemn you for another.” He met your eyes and grinned. “I might tell you.” He turned so he was on his side facing you. “If,” His eyes flashed, “You’ll allow me one favor afterwards.”

You giggled, “You’re intense. I may regret this but… proceed.” Your eyebrow twitched in a flirty way before you realized it. You only had one person you truly got along with, you needed your best friend.

He grinned back to you, “My mother is Luke’s sister.”

You’re eyes widened a little, you were from a small outer world village but you still heard about the rebellion in high talk. You knew Luke’s family before you had come to the training. “Which means General Han-”

“Yes.” He frowned, “They are very famous. Well known and lacking in the ability to communicate properly with their own kin.” He sat up. “I’m my own man.” He begged for eye contact and you gave it to him.

“I know.” You answered quietly, “You’re strong too.” You couldn’t imagine what it would be like to have that much attention on you growing up.

He seemed more than content that you acknowledged this and shifted his mood to a lighter one- something he seemed to do with you around and you appreciated it. “So now you know my dark secret.” He smirked to you.

“Battered soul,” You smirked back, not sure if you were actually mocking or not but he took it in a friendly way. “Alright, what is this favor I owe you?”

“You seem to be taking this much better than I would have guessed. Not going to treat me like royalty?”

“Why? You’re a pain in my ass.” You chuckled, jabbing him a little in his ribs with your elbow. He laughed at this, relieved.

“Right.” He smiled, controlling his laughter, “So- I need to know. You seem to prefer being around me more than other students as well.” His gaze lightly falling over your form and you turned slightly pink again.

“That’s a statement?” You asked, “I don’t understand the favor.”

He chuckled, “Would you stop talking for a second?” You rolled your eyes but stayed quiet.

“Would- would you happen to feel… things for me?” He met your eyes and it was his turn to go red.

“Feel…?” You asked gently.

He searched your face and shook his head, “For a headstrong intelligent young woman, you are not very bright.” He smirked before coming close to you and holding the side of your face with his hand, pulling you into a kiss. You slowly closed your eyes and leaned into it.

His lips were light and gone almost immediately- you almost wondered if that was going to be his kiss.

“Ben! Y/N!” You heard from a distance, and opening your eyes you had seen that Ben was looking into your face for another moment but that he had heard the calling before you- was that why he pulled back? You didn’t have a lot of experience with this sort of thing- had you done something terribly wrong?

He stood up and offered a hand and a smile to you before calling, “Coming.”

“There you are.” Luke frowned a little after you both came closer. “You both are supposed to be going through the ancient temple and meditating.”

“Yes,” He bowed his head instead of arguing with him which surprised yourself and Luke, who was bracing himself. He walked towards the temple, turning back for a moment to gesture you follow. You looked from Ben to Luke to Ben again and started up towards him.

You walked into the temple, after most of the other students had left and both sat to meditate.

“Are we going to talk about what happened?” You asked quietly.

“Sure,” He smirked, offering out his hand as he was sitting next to you and you cautiously took it. He seemed different. “I now know it isn’t me against the world. You are.” He met your eyes, “You mean so much to me. I can’t believe I haven’t realized it sooner. Please tell me you feel this power between us.”

You turned super red but nodded slightly, “I do feel this connection with you.”

He smiled, “Good.” He nodded.

You both got to meditating and Luke called you out a while later, alone. Ben smiled to you before heading off towards one of the huts. Luke talked to you about not getting enough practice in and although he looked like he wanted to ask you more, he didn’t. You walked out a ways towards the edge of a hill by a river. It was higher up but you felt the surroundings there and practiced.

Over the next week, Ben had gotten worse at leaving your side. He wanted to be around you all the time and you didn’t have any complaints, although it attracted some attention.

And just as soon as he had gotten close, he started becoming distant. You were confused, trying to stay by his side.

“What’s going on?” You asked one afternoon.

“Nothing.” He shook his head.

“It’s something.” You stated, “You seem different.”

His eyes met yours briefly, “Why are we staying here? I’m more powerful than silly Skywalker.”

“Ben,” You started and he flinched at his name. “Maybe you are.” You allowed, “I am not.”

“I can teach you.” He explained.

“Not to control myself.” You shook your head.

“Control yourself? Why?” He seemed to be getting upset. “Let it go, let yourself be heard.”

“You’re angry.” You set your jaw, “I don’t know what changed in you but I don’t like it.”

You saw a rage burning underneath his facade. 

You shook your head, “I’m gonna get a breather.” He grabbed your wrist as you turned and you squeaked, “That hurts, Ben.” He saw the look of hurt on your face and let you go, looking sorry.

You walked out and towards your cliff, trying to calm down and focus your mind.

“There she is.” There was a laugh as two of the male students came up behind you. “No Ben?” They mocked.

You forced yourself to calmly stand up and turn around. They walked closer to you and you backed up a few steps, feeling the air behind you.

“What do you guys want?” You shifted.

“Just some information.” The one asked and the other nodded. “On how to get Master Skywalker’s favorite student to leave.”

“You should be welcoming to all of those learning the force, as there are few.” You stated.

“Just because you get the attention from the teacher’s pet you think you’re above us?” The other asked, as they took a step closer- you could smell them from the few paces back. 

“We want answers. Or you’ll be fairly useless.” The one mocked, and the other starting, “None of us want you after that fool, not even for a pity bang.”

“Good.” You stated, growing a little angry but trying to keep your calm.

“She’s a useless one, just like her nobody parents.” The one came up to you and you punched him, the other one coming in to help his friend you pushed him back with the force. “That’s how you want to play?” They both turned their powers on you and started to push. You held them off for quite some time but you lost your footing, falling almost in slow motion for a second before sliding down the side of the cliff, tumbling and *splash* landing in the water below.

—-

“What do you mean you haven’t seen her?” Ben shouted, turning on some of the other students. After questioning everyone he met, he found two guys asleep outside, smelling of alcohol. His anger growing, he lifted them both up with the force and started to apply pressure.

“What the hell, dude?” The one started, kicking his feet.

“Where is Y/N?” He boomed.

“Y/N?” The other one questioned, rubbing his head before his eyes widened. “That wasn’t real, that was a dream.”

“What wasn’t real?” His heart dropped and his pressure applied even more.

“She- She fell.” The other one squeaked out.

“Where?!” They could only point towards the cliff and he let them drop. 

“Ben,” Luke called after him, tending to the students he just dropped. He didn’t stop, only quickened his pace- racing to the top he looked down. His breathe caught as he saw a path that had been disturbed recently. He moved his way down towards the water, searching.

He searched all day, through the water. Finally, Luke caught up with him near the evening.

“They-” He started slowly and quietly, “Filled me in. Any luck?”

Ben shot him a look that possibly could kill him, “This is your fault.” He yelled, “How could you not sense this if you’re so powerful?!” He made his way back to the huts, Luke following behind him. Entering his room, he turned on him, “Leave.” He shot out at him.

“Ben,” Luke shook his head, and then was pushed out by Ben’s power. 

—–

Later that night, Luke returned- a little scared of Ben. He didn’t want to hurt him, but he was on a rampage. After a fury of actions, Ben successfully knocked Luke down, making him pass out.

He was beyond hurt and betrayed- he lost the only one he knew. The only one he needed. Before he knew it, his power and burst through him. Why had he been so stupid to push her away? He could have told her.

He opened his eyes to see fire all around. He needed to leave, he couldn’t stand to be here. He had blocked out all of the screaming and left the area, knowing now what path he was going to choose.

—–

You were hurt, badly, but you pushed yourself to make it towards the huts.

You needed to see Ben, and were hopeful when you got towards the top. 

Your hope plummeted when you saw flames dying down, “Oh, Ben.” Tears filled in your eyes, “What have you done?”


	2. Looking for Answers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happened, Y/N is just trying to find some answers- and she finds a way to get some by helping the Rebels.

It took you ages to get to a different part, far away from the burning fire. You settled in, set a fire and tried to tend to your wounds a little.   
You didn’t know how but you knew it was Ben. You felt his power surrounding that area- you couldn’t see him not being involved. What had run through Ben’s mind? How could he have killed all those people?  
You slept little throughout the night- finding yourself seeing your fellow students faces, what it must have felt like… and Ben’s smiling, carefree face across from yours- slowly hardening.   
You had to find out what was going on. You woke up early and hiked for miles, finding a small unit of people treasure hunting- which was more than lucky for you. They were nice and you convinced them to take you with them, if you helped fix up some of the things they found. You were more than happy to help, and they dropped you off on a neighboring planet.  
\----  
Months passed since you had found a representative that could get your message to the Rebels. You had come to their base after a number of corresponding letters, written in code that you had come to learn.  
You had trained hard, learning all about the weapons and fighting skills used by the rebels, and teaching them everything you had learned. You were partnering with Poe Dameron for your first mission.  
You had known these people for a little while and were comfortable around them- they knew that you had been training with the Jedi’s. They didn’t know that you had been very close to Ben- someone who now opposed you, following Supreme Leader Snoke’s orders. He called himself ‘Kylo Ren’ now, the Jedi killer. Everytime you heard his name, you flinched a little. Most people assumed it was because you were there- but you had seen Princess Leia look at you a couple of times, a curious sparkle in her eye.   
“Hey there little lady, you ready to head out?” Poe came up behind you, throwing an arm around your shoulders and pulling you towards him.  
“I was born ready,” You chuckled, elbowing him in the chest a little. Around him, you felt comfortable in your tank top under your flight suit- but not around many others. You had scars around your body from that night and you knew they weren’t pretty or dainty. You worked on things around Poe enough that you both were pretty comfortable, BB-8 rolling by you both, beeping.  
As much as you tried, you only picked up a little of the language from him so far- Poe explaining it sometimes or making you guess. You were in the middle of changing, you were going in a custom suit that hid most of your features- you were an asset that was hidden from the Order at this point, and you were trying to keep it that was for as long as possible.  
He looked at you expectantly and you blurted, “He wants dessert, obviously.”  
He chuckled, “You weren’t paying attention at all, were you?”  
You chuckled back, “Nope, I was in another location- mentally.”  
“You’re lucky you’re not here for your brains,” He laughed and you feigned anger, chasing after him all the way to the flight decks.  
“We taking the baby today?” You questioned as he threw you a helmet.  
“What do you think?” He threw a grin at you before popping into the pilot’s seat of the T-65 Tandem X-Wing. You climbed up and plopped down in the second seat, BB-8 getting stuck in a place that you could tell he didn’t want to be in.  
“I’m sorry, buddy but if you want to come you have to be there.” Poe explained to him as he flipped a couple of switches, readying for flight.  
You braced yourself for take off, a lot of things running through your mind.  
Han Solo, the man you were avoiding at any given chance, had a hunch that Luke might have survived. Leia said she could feel him, and he was still alive. They let you both in on the fact that Luke would probably try to get to the first Jedi temple if he lived, but there were very few maps to that location.   
You and Poe were in charge of getting the map, leading to the temple. They had a hunch that you could find a clue on Jakku, so that’s what you were going to check out.  
Arriving without a problem, you slid on a cloth suit and a scarf around your head- blending in more than your suit. You both started trying to find the contact without attracting too much attention. You learned that he had been living just outside town and found where to find him. After an explanation, he entrusted the map to you- right before you heard noises from outside. You both were confronted by a force of Stormtroopers- and a man wearing all black.  
You fought your way back to the X-Wing, BB-8 rolling behind you. Shooting as Poe started the engines, your ship was hit and something fell off.  
You both hopped out of the ship, Poe leaning down to BB-8 and handing him the map. You knew that they had already seen you both, but BB-8 had a chance of getting further away- and the longer you could hold them off the better chance.  
You and Poe nodded to each other as BB-8 reluctantly rolled off, shooting towards the Stormtroopers, you had hit a lot of them. The man in black turned and stopped a shot heading for him with the force and your stomach dropped, guessing who was on the inside of it.  
You threw your hand up and forced it towards him, the man in the mask seeming surprised yet angry. He threw out a chokehold towards you both and you blocked it- holding him off for a couple seconds while Poe shot at a couple more people.  
You hadn’t noticed what looked to be the leader of the Stormtroopers come up behind you, punching you in the face. Your attention turned back to them and you punched, getting into a physical fight with them.  
“Ace!” Poe shouted towards you, your gun getting knocked away. Ace was your nickname when you were in your suit.  
You threw out your hand and drew a piece of scrap metal to it, slamming the leader in the gut, apparently breaking through the suit.   
You were choking, up in the air- your feet dangling. You had been caught, you were brought, along with Poe, over to the man before getting knocked out.  
\-----  
A pain was knocked into your gut, that’s how you woke up. You were locked into a chair and you flicked your hand up.  
The force wasn’t working, and the man in black laughed.  
“Thank you, Captain Phasma, I think we’ll be alright.” He spoke, nodding to the stormtrooper who had punched you, pissed that you had beaten them. “I don’t know how I haven’t eradicated you pests yet.”  
“Eradicate would be to include yourself.” You spoke, glad they decided to place a voice changer in your suit as well.  
“Who are you?” He spoke, a little uneasy even through his suit.  
“I’ll show you mine- possibly- if you show me yours.”  
“You don’t seem to know something- you’re my prisoner. Prisoner’s do as they’re told.”  
“I don’t answer to cowards!” You yelled, emotion pent up.  
He paused, reaching for your mask which wouldn’t budge. “Show me your face.” He started torturing you, “Who are you?”  
“You want to see mine? Show me yours first.” You wheezed in.  
He punched a wall behind him, breaking it. Slowly, shakily, he took off his mask.  
He met your eyes, although he couldn’t see you completely. Your breath caught- you knew who would be staring back at you but there was some part of you that hadn’t believed what he had become.  
“Alright, rebel scum- are you pleased? Now show me yours.” His voice, unaltered, echoed in your ears. Tears running down your face, you voice commanded the unlock on your suit. He stepped up to the chair, reaching slowly for the helmet. He pulled it off in one rush of a movement and you were there, face to face.  
His brows furrowed, eyes teary, “Y/N?” He whispered.  
You tensed your bruised jaw, trying to remain in control, “Ben.”


	3. Face to Face Again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Ben again should give you a clear guideline on your feelings- you can't help but banter.

“H-How is this possible?” He shook his head, “You were gone, dead.”  
“I fell.” You gulped, your throat getting tight. “I wasn’t dead.” You met his eyes, “But all of our colleagues are.”  
He shook his head, stumbling back. “You were dead- you were gone- they had taken you from me.” He voice quickly turned angry. “I had to stop them-”  
“Ben,” You started and he shook his head.  
“I’m not ashamed- I’m changed. And my name is Kylo Ren.” He opened up the saber, showing me how fearsome he could look.  
“You’re a fool if you won’t listen.” You shook your head, tears forming despite your struggle with them.  
“You’re a fool for joining the rebels.” His face was emotionless but his voice seemed strained.  
You chuckled a little, “What questions were you going to ask me as a jedi? Obviously we’re going nowhere as myself.” You looked down, a million thoughts running through your head. He hadn’t denied that it was him, and he hadn’t really defended himself on the matter. You felt his eyes running over you and couldn’t tell if he was angry, relieved, or flat out in denial.  
“Were you going to let me believe you were dead?” Apparently- hurt was the tone in his voice. You were a little surprised at this take.  
“What was I going to say?” Your eyes flashed to his, “Hey, Ben,” He flinched but you continued, “Just so you know, after you flipped your shit and killed all of our fellow Jedi’s- I made it up to the hill at the end of it. Early enough to see the damage but late enough to save no one!” Your voice bubbled over with pure rage now. “Everyone was dead! I was left for dead- damaged and bleeding. You left no one and nothing undamaged.” Your voice was cracking from the tone you had taken. “You might as well had been the one to push me over the cliff that night.” Your tone was quieter but every bit as fierce. “And now you tell me you’re not even sorry? You’re not even going to apologi-”  
“Enough!” He boomed back, finally over my speech. “You do not get to tell me how I was supposed to feel, you were not in my position.” His eyes were filled with pain. “You were everything to me!”  
There was a beep at the door.  
“What?!” He turned, opening it. The leader of the stormtroopers was there and talked quietly to him. He paused, nodding after a minute. “Fine.” He turned back towards you, “We are not done yet.” He walked out of the room. You hadn’t realized you were holding your breath for part of the conversation and finally released it when the stormtrooper walked in again.  
“What? Come to attack me now that I can’t fight back?” You smirked. They took off their helmet, revealing a woman underneath. She walked up and punched you in the gut and you forced a laugh, “Did I hurt your tummy?” Again, and again she hit, blood leaking out of your mouth before she popped your helmet back on.  
“Not so perky right now, are you- stupid rebel.” She spit, hitting your face now.  
“Put your purse down and try hitting me again.” You laughed, feeling the bruises already forming on your core and face.  
“Once we get the word, I’m going to kill you.” She leant down and whispered into my face. “Slowly.”  
“Is that the only way you can get off anymore, love?” You mocked, earning yourself another punch in the face. You despised the woman standing in front of you.   
The door beeped and she took a step back, throwing on her helmet with a satisfied smirk.  
“You may leave.” Ben nodded towards her and she went to leave.  
“Awh, see you later best buddy!” You tilted your head to see her pause for a moment before she left the room, “Nice lady.” You nodded towards Ben, who looked to you without emotion. It seems the couple of minutes he was out, he regained his composure.   
“We need information.” Ben spoke, sitting down across from you. His brow twitched a little seeing your mask back in place and his hand twitched towards you. “Trying to hide from me?” He strode across the room and swiped off the mask again, smearing blood as he lifted it off.  
His composure broke, his face angered again. “What?”  
You met his eyes as best as you could, one of your eyes already swelling a little, “Seems like someone else has dibs on you.” You chuckled through the pain. You would not cry in front of him, not now. In fact, it was funny. This whole situation was laughable. If it weren’t then you would feel a wave of emotion hit you- so laughter it was.  
He was shaking a little, his whole face red, “Why are you laughing?” He rumbled through his teeth, “Do you not-”  
“Feel?” You questioned, “Not really. Last time I did the person I loved literally killed everyone in a mile radius.”  
He flinched a little, clearing his throat. “I’ll get someone to transport you to a medical lab.”  
“Don’t bother.” You spat. “Are we done?”  
He met your eyes, sighing a little. “No.” He confirmed, “We haven’t even started.” For over an hour he tried to talk to you- interrogate you. At times you were both angry, yelling- others you were both very quiet.  
“I’ll be back in a bit.” He bit his lip a little before striding out of the room.  
You breathed again, this time a little shakier than last. A couple of minutes later, a stormtrooper walked in. “Another interrogation?” You tried to smirk, “Lucky me to get so much attention.”  
“Ace?” Poe popped his head around, “Jesus.” He gasped.  
“Is my hair messed up?” You smirked but were unsure what was going on.  
“I met a friend here. We’re gonna call him Finn.” He patted him on the back, “We can talk about this in a minute, though, we have to go.” He ran over and Finn unlocked your bindings, you slumping to the floor.   
“Nice to meet you, Finn.” You nodded to him, Poe helping you up and you let out a slight wimper. He threw one of your arms around his shoulders.  
“Can you walk?” He met your eyes, worry running through them.  
You snorted, “Please, I’m just being lazy right now.” You chuckled a little, grabbing your helmet off the ground. “Let’s roll, boys.” You felt better, more confident. You met your biggest fear and came out on top- he wasn’t going to control you. Ever. You all moved as fast as you could towards a hanger bay. Someone had spotted you and started shooting, leading to an alarm going off as you got to a flyer. You plopped down in the ship as Poe started it and Finn went towards the guns, flipping off his helmet.  
“Kick some stormtrooper booty, will ya?” You shouted out to him and he nodded with a grin.  
You held your stomach, as Poe shouted back to you, “You might want to buckle up- you know how I drive.”  
You hissed laughter, crawling up to the passenger seat, buckling. “That I do.” He started moving forward, spinning around to get out of the doors. You flew out of their base, followed by other fliers.  
“Finn- we have a tail at 5 and 8.” You checked.  
“I see ‘em.” He spoke into the headphones, seeming a little worried.  
He got them, though, and after some more ships we were finally free of the Order. You sighed, beyond relieved that you lived another day.

 

“So where are we going?” Finn came up, excited.  
“Jakku.” You both answered in unison.  
“Jakku?!?” He shouted, “You’re going to get all of us killed if we go back.”  
“Our BB unit is there.” You responded.  
“Rebuild it!” He squeaked but we argued he was one of a kind. He shook his head, “I can’t believe I’m going to die the same day I escape.”  
\---  
Poe turned to you after Finn went into the other room. “Are you sure you’re okay?” His face looked worried.  
You smiled to him, “Poe. I’m fine.”  
“After all that jerk put you through before he had to do this to you again?” He pondered.  
You sighed, “Poe. I have to tell you something. I need you not to hate me.” Your eyes lowered.  
“I could never hate you, gorgeous. You know that.” He smirked to you through your shiner in all its glory.  
You snorted, but then told him how you knew Ben. Told him a little more about what went down that night and how it was the Captain and not him that had hurt you.  
He set his face, “Even after all that- You deserve better.” He shook his head. “We have a couple minutes without me having to be here.” He called for Finn to keep a watch out. “Let’s fix you up a bit, huh?”  
He led you towards a table that you hopped onto in the other portion of the ship. He opened up the first aid kit he found on board. He started with your face, cleaning the cuts gently and disinfecting them. He had you remove your outer suit and lift the bottom portion of your shirt to see better what happened.  
He touched your stomach, lightly poking around and judging your reactions.  
“Probably a couple of bruised ribs,” He sighed, “Swelling and bruises-” He paused, feeling a little more, “I don’t think anything is broken, though.” He used more disinfectant on a rag, going over the open cuts. “You’re a tough one, I’ll admit.” He smirked to you, looking into your open eye.  
“You aren’t so bad yourself.” You smirked back and was shocked when he kissed you on the forehead, lingering. “Poe?”  
He purred a little at the sound of his name, “You are so unique. And wonderful.” He leaned his forehead against yours. “Can- can I kiss you?” He asked, biting his lip.  
Your jaw dropped open a little, your brows furrowing. “What?” You were confused. Maybe you hit your head.  
“I like you.” He stated, “A lot.”  
“Are you serious?” You shook your head, “This isn’t the time to mock me.”  
“I’m not mocking you.” His jaw locked, his eyes drawn to your lips.  
You nodded a little, still unsure, and he gently came up and kissed you, your mouth moving with his.  
*beep beep beep*  
“Guys!” Finn called.  
Your heartbeat rushed, that shouldn’t have happened. Poe was your best friend- you immediately regretted compromising the only relationship you enjoyed. You had to focus on the incoming fighters now, though. You went down to the guns, shooting off a couple of them, more falling in.  
“Hold on, let me see if I can’t help.” He twisted the ship around, moving closer to the surface. You lost a couple more, one shooting you as you shot him back, you felt the ship shift, “I can fix this, hold on.” He spoke up again, as you had lost the immediate ships following. You felt the ship going down and ran up towards the front, getting tossed.  
\---  
“Hey, you alright?” You felt a tapping on your cheek, your vision blurry as you tried to focus. “Wait here.” He put you down, running towards the ship trying to get in.  
“Poe? Poe!” He screamed, scrambling about before you felt yourself lowering. He must have noticed about the same time because he walked towards you, pulling you further out.  
“No!” You screamed, trying to get up to go towards the ship.  
“We can’t- he’s gone.” He tried to convince himself, pulling you even further before you passed out.


	4. Rey's Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After crash landing on Jakku and losing Poe, you find another Rebel nearby.

Waking up, you were in a pretty decent amount of pain. Everything was throbbing some, including your head.  
Finn was there when you opened your eyes, and he was talking to someone- a woman.  
You shut your eyes in case you had been captured and waited, hearing a beep.  
“BB-8?” Your eyes snapped open again, you sat up.

“Woah, take it easy.” Finn came over to push you back down, “You have some serious injuries there.”  
“What’s going on? Why are we still here? You found BB-8.” You rubbed your face.  
“He’s my droid.” The woman whispered.  
“Excuse me? That is BB-8 and he belongs to Poe Dameron.” Your head turned to her.  
“It was his droid.”  
“Stop saying ‘was’.” You sat up again, pushing away Finn’s hands. “He’s still alive, I can feel him.”  
“That’s what everyone says.” Finn mumbled.  
“No, I can feel his energy- his being.” You shook your head, “He can’t be dead or I wouldn’t feel him anymore.”  
“That’s right, you’re a-” Finn shut his mouth and the woman came over here.  
“Are you a jedi?” She asked, kneeling down.  
“Who are you?” You tested out your legs.  
“I’m Rey.” She set her jaw.  
“I’m Y/N. I don’t really know what’s been going on but please tell me you have a plan for us to get off of here.”  
“Do you really have to get out of here? I mean, just because you’re resistance doesn’t mean-”  
“Finn, have you talked to her at all?” You rubbed your face, “Kylo Ren is after us and he knows we crash landed here- looking for that droid. So- not to rush or anything, but yes. I think we would need to get off of here.”  
“Alright then.” Rey giggled, “Well, you need a ship. Maybe we can go to the trading market and see if there’s anyone there.”  
“Let’s go.” You places weight on your legs, noticing Finn’s jacket. He went to take it off, “No, he would have wanted you to have it. Or at least borrow it.” You smirked before walking with them towards the market.  
You made it, barely- and to your surprise you saw a friendly face. “Chewy?!” You shrieked.  
“Do you know everyone here?” Finn asked, looking around. Rey shrugged her shoulders, looking amused.  
Chewy noticed you and came over to give you a hug. “Hey it’s Y/L/N.” Han came off the Millenium Falcon.   
“You guys have incredible timing.” You chuckled, “We could really use a lift.”  
“Well, this is kind of a side mission- not really rebel related, you know.” He shook his head.  
“We need a lift, immediately.” You verified.  
“I mean, you do. I have some whiskey on deck. You look like hell.”  
“I feel like it too. Kylo Ren knows I exist.” You met his eyes and they filled with a mixture of emotions.  
“Did he-” He covered his mouth, relooking over your wounds.  
“I’ll explain on the ship.” You nodded back, “This is Finn- he’s coming with us.”  
“So am I.” Rey spoke up.  
“I’m not a babysitter.” He turned around and you caught his arm. He sighed, “We’ll go after this transaction.”  
There was a scream and you all looked up, seeing a set of ships coming into the atmosphere.  
“Transaction declined, we have to leave.” You tapped him on the shoulder.  
He grumpily let you all on his ship, getting Chewy to start her up.  
You buckled in, holding tightly. “If it’s all the same to you, I’ll take that drink now.”  
Han laughed, “You’ll have to wait a minute but I’ll join you.” He flipped a couple of switches, getting the ship off the ground.  
You flipped and swerved through the land, off the planet and going across and off this planet.  
“We have the map.” You spoke up once you seemed clear more or less.  
“Great, you should tell Leia.”  
“I’m working on it.” You chuckled, “I was a little preoccupied.”  
“So a map, eh?” He stood after a while, looking you over.  
“Well, BB-8 has it.” You nodded towards the droid, who opened the map and showed you.  
“This is just a piece of the map.” Han shook his head.  
“I’m confused.” Rey spoke up, “Who is Luke?”  
“Luke Skywalker.” You stated, eyes lowering.  
“He’s just a myth, though.”  
You snorted, and Han smiled, “He’s not a big deal.”  
She furrowed her brows, “Well, why are you trying to find him?”  
“He was training a new group of Jedi, when- one of the students got a little… out of control.” You frowned.  
“What did he do?” She asked, and Han gave her a short version of it. “Sounds more than a little.”  
“You know what, you weren’t there.” He shook his head to her and you nodded, “It- There was a lot going on.”  
“Okay, then.” Rey stopped, and Finn’s brows furrowed a little, unsure of what to make of the awkwardness between.  
It takes a couple of stops but you make it close to Takodana- where Han was trying to get a clean ship. “Someone needs to go to find Luke.” You stated, almost getting to the landing zone.  
“You can’t.” He shook his head.  
“I can!” You argued, “I just need a little help.”  
“You need to tag someone in. But we’ll get to that later. First, we need to grab a clean ship so we can get you back towards the hideout. Falcon’s easy to find- too easy to find for the First Order. We’re going to try to move fast.”  
You nodded, agreeing and going to stand up, he pushes you back down. “You’re going to wait here.”  
“But-”  
“Really?” He leaned down, “Stay put for a couple minutes until we figure this out.”  
You pouted, sitting down. “I’ll be on radio, walkie for me if you need me.”   
“Yeah, yeah, you can be a hero if there’s trouble.” He chuckled, walking off with Rey and Finn and Chewie. You were left alone on the ship, thinking through everything that had happened.  
You gasped after a minute, “Ben?”   
He snapped his head over to you, his eyes squinting. You pulled out a blaster from nearby and shot near him. You saw him flinch before he vanished.  
“What was that?” You whispered, shaking your head, was that real? It had to be, you sighed, you shot a blaster bullet in the Millenium Falcon. Han was going to be pissed.  
You got off the ship, noticing a ton of shooting and some stormtroopers. You put on your helmet, running into the ‘Castle’.   
“Han Solo.” You spoke, walking in and a patron shakily pointed to a direction.  
You walked with a mission in mind, stomping a path along towards him, you found him trying to get onto a transport.  
He looked past you, “Rey.” He muttered and your head whipped around, looking for her.  
That’s when you spotted Kylo Ren. “Stop.” You whipped out a blaster, going after them.  
You got far enough that when the stormtroopers started shooting, Finn and Han shot back as your back up. You chased after Ben, who was chasing Rey.  
“Stop!” You shouted, pulling out a lightsaber.  
He threw a hold over to Rey and threw her towards his Stormtrooper leader.  
“Now for the person I really wanted to see.” He breathed through the mask.  
“How did you do that?” You screamed, clashing sabers with him.  
“You play mind tricks with me.” He boomed out of his voice changer.  
“I loved you!” You cried, “You turned into a monster.”  
He stopped, “Only a monster who mourned you. Who cherished you.” He faltered and you swept in with a stroke.  
You cut close to him, and hit his face. You closed your eyes, not knowing what to say to him.  
He yelled and you were called away towards the ship. You tried to kill him- to end this madness now- you broke down. You couldn’t.  
You ran back to the ship, as fast as you could- given the circumstances. There was another ship there and an x-wing.   
“Let’s go.” Han moved his head towards the ship and Finn, BB-8 and you boarded.  
“Rey?” Finn questioned.  
You shook your head slowly, pulling off your helmet. “I’m- I’m sorry. I tried.” You threw your helmet across the room, “I didn’t stop him.”  
Finn nodded, “Hey, don’t you worry. We’re going to get her back.” He nodded, going towards Chewie. You weren’t sure, maybe you wouldn’t be able to stop Ben. Maybe you needed to train or find someone else.  
Luke. He knew enough about his tendencies. He could stop him.  
\---  
Arriving back at base, you walked off the ship with Finn- BB-8 rushing past both of you, nearly knocking Finn off the walkway.  
“Poe?” Finn called, “Poe!” He rushed towards him, and his excitement spread towards you- rushing towards him as well.


	5. Kylo Ren's Rage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After what happens with Rey, you find yourself relieved to have Poe back- even if he says you should talk.

“We thought you were dead!” Finn called, embracing him. You waited and hugged him afterwards, he held on tightly to you.  
“Come on, it takes more than that to kill me!” He laughed, squeezing one last bit before letting you go. “You, on the other hand, look like hell.” He stopped, looking at your injuries.  
“Thanks!” You chuckled, “You look pretty banged up yourself.”  
“Finn looks dandy.” He laughed, and leaned down to BB-8, “And you found my droid!”   
“And your jacket!” Finn started to take it off.  
“Stop! It looks good on you- keep it!” He laughed and you threw out an ‘I told you that’s what he’d say.’   
“Finn- can you go meet Leia? She’s waiting for a report- I just wanted to talk to Y/N for a moment.”  
He nodded, “Of course- wish me luck!” You both waved him off with a smile.  
Once he was gone, Poe turned back to you and your heartbeat got faster- your stomach fluttering a bit.  
“It was a really inconvenient time for me to die.” He chuckled a little, biting his bottom lip.  
You giggled, nodding, “It was pretty rude of you.”  
You both stood there for a second and you noticed you could see him out of both eyes- the swelling had obviously gone down.  
“I know that it was a sudden confession in a whirlwind of a time. But things always seem to happen quickly when we’re on missions. I didn’t want to miss the chance-”  
There were a couple of people who walked by, stopping him for a second.  
“This still isn’t a good time.” He chuckled, “Look- why don’t we meet up in my bunk later for dinner. We can talk everything through.”  
You smiled a little to him, nodding, “I’d like that.”  
“Good.” He grinned, “Great- I’ll get everything for tonight so all you have to do is show up.”  
You sighed a little, more people passing by the two of you, “I’m going to go get changed and get fixed up a bit. See you later.” You smiled, walking away from him and towards the medi-bay. Your eyes flashed for a moment- you swear you saw Ben across the room, eyes slit. Then someone walked past and he was gone.  
You shook your head, getting to the med bay. They took a look at you, fixing some of the more major things and getting you almost pack to normal, if not sore. The bruises remained but they didn’t hurt as much. You got back to your bunk, grabbing a change of clothes and taking a shower.  
You sat down on your bunk, letting your body rest for a minute. You closed your eyes and leaned back your head. You felt a little chill.  
“Can we not do this, now?” You frowned, sighing.  
“I was about to say the same thing.” You heard Ben speak and you opened your eyes, looking over.   
“Oh,” You blushed and looked away- he was shirtless. Then you got upset and looked back to him, “What are you doing to her?”  
He met your eyes again, not moving to put a shirt on. “Why must we be on different sides?”  
“You know why.” Your jaw tightened.  
“Alright- I’ll tell you what I’m going to do with Rey under a condition.” He leaned forward and you noticed a new scar on his face, although it was healing. Your face reddened as you sensed it was from you.  
“What?” You asked, no hint of tease in your voice.  
He stopped and grinned a little sadly towards you, “Who is that man?”  
You broke eye contact with him, “What man?”  
He frowned, nodding, “The man I saw you talking to. He’s a pilot, maybe?”  
“So you can see my surroundings?” You sat up.  
He shook his head, “That’s just it, I can’t normally. I only see you- can you see me?”  
“I’m not in the mood to converse with a monster right now.” You sighed, picking up a pillow with the intent to throw it at him.  
“Please, don’t.” He looked softly towards you.  
“He is a close friend, one I thought dead.” You tightened your jaw, not knowing why you kept the conversation up.   
He looked down, fiddling with his hands, “We were close friends once too.”  
“What about Rey?” You snapped.  
His jaw hardened, his brow furrowed, “We’re just having a chat for now- me and the force-influenced new pet.” He met your eyes, “Maybe we’ll become close friends too.”  
You shook your head, laying back on the bed, “You’re insane.”  
“Maybe- but what does that make you?” He questioned, and then you no longer felt his presence.   
“Dick.” You called to no one, sitting up. You waited a little while to calm down before going to meet up with Poe.  
*beep beep* You pushed the button.  
“Come in.” He called from inside, you pushing the open button.  
“Y/N,” He smiled, “I was beginning to wonder if you knew what time it was.”  
You smiled back, “Sorry, must have dozed off at some point.” You inwardly hissed- why were you lying to him?  
“No worries,” He pulled out a chair and offered you a beer, “Finest the star base has to offer.” He chuckled, walking over to his chair after you took it.  
“Why thank you, sir.” You nodded, opening it and taking a glug.   
He grinned, opening his as well. The smile he was giving you made your heart hurt a little- you couldn’t imagine anyone looking at you like that in your life.  
You blushed, looking down at the plate in front of you. It was filled with food- your stomach gurgled, not realizing just how hungry you had been.  
You immediately began to stuff your face as he told you about getting off Jakku after he was found. He asked what happened and you gave him a rundown. It felt awesome to unload and chat with someone, joking with them about things you had both trained over.  
“- And then BB-8 nearing knocked Finn off the strip so he could see you.” You both laughed.  
“I noticed that.” He took another swig of beer, you both finishing your second bottles. He got up, getting himself another one and offering you one as well, which you accepted.  
“What a first mission, huh?” You giggled, cracking open the new bottle and taking another swig.  
“Welcome officially to the resistance.” He gave you a wink and toasted you with a sip. He paused a moment, “So- about the elephant in the room…”  
*beep beep beep* There was an announcement. They had found out where Rey was, Finn, Poe and yourself were asked to meet Han near the Falcon.  
You both stood up and ran towards the hangar bay.  
“We need air support.” Han nodded to you both. “Finn knows the base layout and Chewie and I can figure out a plan from there. You two be our eyes in the sky.”  
“But I can-” You started.  
“Do it, kiddo.” Han pointed and Poe led you away.  
“It’s gonna be more fun on our end anyways.” He smirked, throwing an arm around you again.  
“Shall we call this mission one subparagraph a?” You laughed and he agreed with a chuckle, both of you going towards the squadraints.   
Poe set up a plan with the fighters and separated them into groups, a small part of you wishing you were on the Falcon when it took off. You looked around and saw Ben, but he was focused on something else- maybe he hadn’t sensed you yet.  
You walked closer, trying to look over his shoulder. He turned angrily and met your eyes, the surprise evident- it had thrown him off.  
“Can’t I ever be left alone?” He stated after a moment, turning hateful.  
“Nice to see you too.” You sighed, looking down. You felt tired, you were tired of fighting with him. You turned around.  
“Wait…” He pleaded, his tone soft in the bay.  
You turned your head.  
“I need you.” He breathed, “Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.” There was pain evident, seeping through his words.  
You frowned, looking at him, “I look at you and I see fire- fellow Jedi screaming- people who had done nothing to you. How am I supposed to look past that?” You said everything quietly, turning when you heard Poe calling your name.  
“You ready for take off, baby-doll?” He called, seeing you. You smiled a little and nodded, giving one last glance at Ben before walking away. His face read entirely of anger, rage, menace- you shivered, feeling his stare for another moment on your back.  
He explained that there were going to be three different squadraints attacking- the red and blue and then you- the black.  
He stopped for a moment, “You okay?” He moved your face up with a finger.  
You broke into a smile, “Yeah- I’m ready to get her back. To end this.”  
“Atta girl.” He winked, throwing his arm around you again, “Don’t go dying on me though, you can’t die on the first subparagraph mission.”  
“There are rules against that.” You nodded, “I’ve heard the stories.”  
“Damn skippy.” He chuckled as you ran up and threw him a helmet, grabbing one for yourself. There it was, that grin again- your heart fluttered and you felt ashamed. You didn’t deserve his attention, not even to be his friend.  
You jumped into the gunner seat and he popped his head back.  
“We still need to talk by the way.” He met your eyes, biting his lip.  
You nodded to him with a small smile. “I should’ve gotten more trashed when I had the chance.”  
He laughed, going up to the pilot seat, “Luckily, I didn’t- after all, I’ve got some precious cargo on board.” A blush settled onto your cheeks and stayed there through take off.  
You got off the ground, continuing onto the mission. You swept in close, getting the signal from the Falcon to come in. You shot and fought, spinning and weaving in and out- it seemed impossibly long. You got low on ammo so you saved your shots so they’d count. The red and blue squadraint scattered from the replying wave of TIE fighters.  
You stopped, lost your breathe. Tried to get it back you felt a wave of pain come over you- something was wrong. You could feel it, someone was missing.   
You searched, trying to see who it was- It wasn’t Ben. You knew it wasn’t Poe or you would be crashing to your death. You could faintly sense Finn, Chewie- then you stopped. You felt Ben- but you couldn’t feel Han.  
“Doll, mind getting the one off of our 6 o’clock?” Poe shouted back.  
You shot halfheartedly, “Poe- someone’s down. On the base. I can feel it.”  
He stopped talking for a moment, trying to evade some fighters coming in.  
A minute later there was a large boom- they had made a way for you to come in. Poe immediately took the chance and lunged in, losing a TIE fighter tail on the way to destroy the charging weapon.  
He swept through and continued off planet, getting away from the blast that was going to occur momentarily. There was a silence instead of shouting from him on the radio chatter. He landed, opened up the gunner top and sighed.  
“Who did we lose?” He asked, offering a hand out to you.  
You frowned a little, “Han.”  
His face dropped as he pulled you out, hugging you.  
“I’m sure General Leia felt it already.” He sighed, walking with you to give a report.  
After giving her the report, you both expressed your condolences and turned to leave back to your bunks.


	6. Han Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to recover from a loss, the reader and Poe finally get to talk about what was going on between them.

“Hey, you gonna be alright?” Poe turned to you and looked at you softly, brushing a strand of hair out of your face.  
You nodded, giving him a little grin, “I… feel bad.” You cleared your throat, “I mean I kind of ignored him when he was around here- solely because I… because of my past with Ben.” You looked down, fiddling with your hands.  
He took your hands in his, making you look up at him, “Han sensed that- he knew.” His eyes searched yours, “I heard a saying once that no matter how much you did for another- when they pass the ones left behind are left to wonder what they could have done differently.” He chuckled a little, “You are more than enough- did more than enough.”  
You nodded, “Thanks. This isn’t about me so I don’t know why I’m turning it.” You groaned a little, rubbing your face.  
“Hey,” He smirked at you, “You wanna get drunk off our asses and forget about everything tonight?”  
You smirked back, “More than anything. I think I have a couple of bottles in my trunk.”  
“I’ll grab what I can and meet you there in, say, 20 minutes?” He grinned a wide smile and looked at you that wonderful, painful way again.  
You nodded, waving and moving towards your bunker. Getting there you jumped in the shower, letting the warmth come over you again.  
A presence waved over you, “Not now.” You groaned, turning towards Ben.  
He chuckled, finishing up something he was looking at and turned to you, his eyes widening. He looked stunned for a moment before looking down and to the side. “Poor timing on this thing.” He cleared his throat.  
“Right. You sure you don’t have anything to do with this?” You groaned, crossing your arms over your chest. The water continued to hit you.  
“I don’t.” His eyes dared to come to yours, but didn’t shift down.  
“What is wrong with you?” Tears filled in your eyes and you were happy there was water helping cover this. “You killed him- your own father.”  
“You know how I felt about- that man.” He grew angry, defensive.  
“But- he’s dead. By your hand” You sobbed a little.  
He stood, fire rolling through him, passion backing his words, “Let the past die, kill it if you have to. That’s the only way to become what you were meant to be.”  
You swallowed, tears running down your face, staring at him for a moment as he stared at you, “Am-” Your lip unintentionally quivered, “Am I the past for you? Something to kill?” You barely wheezed out, your voice breaking.  
His demeanor changed in an instant, his face was emotional but softer, “That’s not…” He cleared his throat, seeming to look for more words.  
You sniffled, leaning down to turn off the water. “You know what, I shouldn’t care.”  
“But you do…” There was a questioning tone in it, slightly hopeful. “As I do for you.” His face looked pained for an instant, shaking his head. He strode towards you, “I’m sorry-” He reached out, stroking your cheek. You gasped, feeling his flesh against yours. Your whole body burned, you tried not to lean too much into his touch.  
He stopped, his whole person looked hurt, twisted and pained. He looked up after another minute as you secured a towel around you, wringing your hair so it would stop dripping.  
“Ben?” You sniffed, “What’s wrong?”  
“My name is Kylo Ren.” His eyes looked dark again, the mask in place. “No matter what my feelings may be, I will complete my work with the Order.”  
“Even if that means killing people? Hurting innocents?”  
“No one is truly innocent.” His face hardened even more.  
You nodded, anger growing in you instead, “How I thought you could feel is beyond me.”  
“If I anger you, move past me.”  
You met his eyes, “I will-” You cleared your throat, “I have.”  
There was a slight alter in his features, breaking his new demeanor before a look of anger and disgust appeared. “Wh-” Your room door beeped.  
“That would be my visitor. If you’ll excuse me, Kylo Ren.” You moved past him, turning back slightly, “If you happen to see Ben Solo around, tell him-” You gulped, “He’s in my past.” You saw anger and a rage boiling in him before you closed the door to the bathroom behind you, walking up to your door.  
Poe was standing there with four bottles of alcoholic beverages in his hands and looked surprised a little when you opened the door on nothing but a towel.  
“I’m sorry- am I too early?” He looked down for a moment, a blush creeping into his cheeks.  
“Not at all, I just lost track of time. Come in.” You smiled to him, walking over to the dresser to grab a set of clothes. “I’m gonna go throw these on, don’t start without me?” You grinned.  
“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He winked to you, skimming his eyes over you.  
You walked into the bathroom and you had to admit you may have exaggerated your hips a little to get there, hoping Poe was watching you. If you were going to lose Ben, the only person you trusted in this world was Poe- and the attention he paid you made your heart stutter at times. You weren’t really using him if you needed him back, right?  
You quickly changed into your clothes, more than ready for that drink. Walking out you saw Poe looking at a picture you had on the mantel, one of three decorations you had in your room. The one he was holding was of you, him and bb8 heading out for your gunning training.  
“I love that picture of us.” You spoke, walking up to the table and grabbing a bottle, not being able to read the label and opening it.  
“Me too.” He smirked. “I have mine on my dresser as well.” He turned around, his eyes searching yours.  
“Bb8’s eye really shines through in it.” You winked, taking a large gulp of this beverage- making a face.  
He laughed doubly, once at your crack and another for your face. “I figured we’d find the better tasting ones first and work towards the nasty ones once we didn’t care as much.”  
“Agreed.” You stuck out your tongue, putting the cork back in it and lifting another bottle. You opened it and took another gulp, this one tasting much better than the first. You nodded, walking over to your couch and plopping down. He set down the picture and walked over, sitting next to you. His closeness made you shiver a little.  
“If you want to get drunk you’re going pretty slow.” He laughed, nudging the bottle up again.  
“To Han,” You held out, taking a big glug and offering it to Poe who took a swig.  
“Wanna play Sabacc?” He asked after a couple minutes of you both drinking.  
“I’m shit at cards.” You sighed, “But sure.” You giggled a little, standing up and taking a deck out from a drawer.  
\---- A few rounds of drinks and cards later----  
“Shit at cards, huh?” He slammed his hand down on the table, “You just want me for my money.” He chuckled, you taking the pot again.  
“Eh, you’re still young enough for your looks at the moment too.” You winked and grinned, moving the chips and random do dads towards you.  
“I’m going to run out of payment soon.” He leaned closer.  
“You could start offering up favors.” You suggested, “I hate cleaning things.”  
He laughed, “I don’t think so- I’m no good at cleaning. Or cooking, before you get your sights set on me in an apron.”  
“Mm.” You moaned appreciatively, the alcohol hitting you just enough to make you feel better then when you were fighting with Ben- Kylo.  
“Tell me you imagined something dirty.” He chuckled.  
“Would that be a bad thing?” You giggled out.  
He paused, leaning back in his chair and staring at you with that grin that tossed your stomach around. “Maybe we should have had that talk before we started with this alcohol…”  
“Talk, talk, talk.” You shook your head, “I’m ready for actions, you know? Like- let’s talk about taking down the First Order. Well let’s do it!” You nodded, slamming your hand down a little before shifting your attention back to the cards to deal.  
“You like actions, huh?” He was biting his lip, pondering something. He shook his bottle of alcohol, looking upset that it seemed empty. He stood up, “I’m gonna use the facilities. Grab me a drink?” He smirked, turning to your bathroom. Your eyes drifted down on their own accord.  
You shook your head, what were you doing? You stood, grabbing him another bottle and one for yourself, cracking yours open and chugging a good portion of it.  
“Well then.” He chuckled, seeing you.  
“I’m trying to give you a fair chance to win.” You stopped and wiped your mouth off, grinning.  
He strode across the room, wrapping his arms around you and hugging you towards him, hovering his lips over yours for a moment, breathing, giving you just enough time to realize what was happening before moving his lips onto yours, slowly moving and swiping his tongue across your lip, making your shiver. You let out a slight moan into his mouth and he took this as a good sign, deepening the kiss. You kissed him back after a moment, crossing your arms around his neck, bottles still in your hands. After almost a full minute of this, he pressed you back against the wall.  
You moaned again, nibbling his lip. He groaned back at this, his hands running over your body. He picked you up, your legs wrapping themselves around his waist. You pulled away after a minute, gasping for air.  
“We can’t.” You shook your head, your nose sliding along his.  
He nodded, “We shouldn’t do… that.” He breathed hard, trying to get it under control.  
You moved the bottles next to you on the counter, placing one down and passing the other around the back of his head. “I don’t want to use you.” You uttered, your hands running over his chest.  
“You’re not using me.” He shot back, “Or if you are I am a very willing subject… This isn’t a one way thing, is it?” His breath was hot on you, you both still entangled. His face searching yours for answers.  
“Poe-” You started, “I know you don’t know much about me from before this place.” You looked through his eyes, “But I don’t go doing this with guys. I told you about- when I was with Ben. That was my first serious thing.”  
His eyes fluttered a little, “He was serious?” He bit his lip a little, shaking his head after he asked it and added, “I want you to be serious about me.”  
“I-” Your confidence quivered, “I’m-” Great, emotions again. “I want to be serious about you too. I really do- I just have to move past Ben still. Accept he’s gone. I know I’m an idiot for wanting him at one point in time- to believe in him after he-” You gulped, mustering the confidence. “He killed all of those people. And Han. He’s damaged me, Poe. I don’t know if I can recover.”  
“Let me help you.” He held you, his hand rubbing your side. His face was so sweet and heartfelt, you couldn’t stand if you brought him any harm, just thinking about it made you nauseous. “Let me show you I am everything you need- I…” He groaned a little, “I need you. Maybe I’m being selfish, but I do. In…” He visibly gulped, “In any capacity. You are one of the few people I couldn’t live without.”  
You nodded, “Me too.” He slowly lowered you down, you rubbed your face, “We’re supposed to be celebrating and drinking. And I’m supposed to be taking your money.”  
He laughed, making you smile and you both grabbed your drinks and went back to the table. Over the course of the night you both finished a lot of alcohol- and you both laughed and played games and watched things until you had both passed out on the couch.  
\--  
What you hadn’t noticed (perhaps from the alcohol, emotions or pure interest in listening to your best friend) was Ben- Kylo Ren, looking on for a portion of it from the corner of the room. He altered between passionate anger (as his command post could prove) and deep sadness that he was no longer the one to bring you such joy- but could he change back for you?


	7. More Violence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After quite the night, you have multiple consequences to deal with in the morning.

Waking up the next morning, you rubbed your face and groaned a little. When you shifted you moved away from Poe who was on the other side of the couch.  
He jolted awake a little and looked around, smiling when he saw you, “Hi there little lady.” He chuckled and then groaned a little.   
“Is your head hurting as bad as mine?” You sighed a little, noticing the throbbing.  
He nodded, “As much as I enjoyed last night maybe next time we lay off just a little on the alcohol.” He stood up as you rolled of the couch onto the floor.  
“I need coffee- and bacon.”  
“Mm-” He hummed, “Bacon.” An alarm went off down the hall and you both groaned, trying to cover your ears.  
“What’s going on?” You both asked, running down the hall.  
“Evacuations! Grab everything you need- we’re leaving now.” A co-pilot answered back, running away with a bag.  
You halted, turning wide eyed towards Poe.  
“Go back and grab your stuff I’ll meet you in the hangar!” Poe nodded, running towards his room. You turned around and immediately ran inside, getting dressed and grabbing a bag to fill with clothes and books and anything you could grab.  
You sensed him- Kylo, “Go away!” You uttered, throwing more stuff in and moving to the bathroom.  
“We’re on opposite sides- I can’t stop this invasion.” He tried to argue, looking a little defeated.  
“I’m losing my home- again!” You cried out, holding your head and slumping towards the floor. “And for the second time, it’s because of you.” You whispered, “Why are you doing this? Why are you hurting people?”  
“I’m creating a future for us! Don’t you see that? Why can’t you see that?” He knelt down in front of you.  
You snapped to your feet immediately and walked into the other room, grabbing the pictures off your dresser- letting the one slip off from your hand. It cracked the glass and you hurried to open the back to grab the picture out.  
“Is that...us?” He gasped a little, looking down and swooping to pick it up. It was a second picture hidden behind the one you had of meeting Leia.  
“Doesn’t matter- that person is dead now.” You frowned, groaning again. You had cut yourself a little on the glass so you sucked on it.  
“Why must we always fight?!” He growled, coming up and pinning himself against you- the heat radiating off him. You could feel him, he was leaning on you. Your heart jumped at his touch.  
“Ben-Kylo-”  
“Shhh-” He silenced, “Just for a moment. Let me feel you again, embrace you again.” He breathed in, “I can almost smell you.” You sat there for a moment, letting him lean on you.   
It made you many things, being touched by him again- mostly it made you remember the young man you had fallen in love with in that forest, underneath the trees. So much had happened since then- you were both different people. Less naive, more strong willed and stubborn. The way he had almost shyly told you his feelings and asked about yours. The way you had been together for a short period of time before- the issues. What had started this distance?  
Your jaw dropped open, “Snoke.”  
“Hmm?” He questioned for a moment, looking down at you. It seems you both had been further away.  
“The reason you were avoiding me- pulling away. Snoke had gotten in your mind back then already. He had laid a seed in you- making you put a distance between us.” You looked into his face and he stroked your cheek.  
“I knew my purpose back then, I began to understand.” His face hardened slightly again but then he stroked your cheek, making you jump at the action. “My flower- everything that is good in this world rests with you.” He leaned in slowly and pressed a little kiss against your lips.  
Your door beeped and your attention snapped towards it- Kylo was gone. You dove for the photograph on the floor, not seeing the one of yourself and Ben before Poe walked in.  
“What are you doing we have to go!” Poe ran over and helped you up, dragging you along behind him. “You owe me bacon.” He chuckled.  
“You owe me coffee.” You shot back, mind still racing. You both hopped in the x-wing with bb-8. “Do we have a plan?”  
“I mean do we ever really have a plan?” He laughed back.  
“Right- if you get me killed,” You yelled from the back.  
“I know, I know- you’ll haunt me forever.” He laughed.  
“Damn straight!” You laughed, bracing yourself for take off.  
You immediately took off, gasping. “They’re here!”  
“General Leia wants us to distract the lead ship so our bombers can get ready to take out that beauty there.” Poe spoke over his headset.  
You gasped, “The dreadnaught.”  
“You ready for this?” He asked, weaving in towards the ship. Not waiting for a response he dialed in to General Hux- his favorite prey.  
“Patch me through to General Hux please.” He called out on the headset. Not a minute later there was a click.  
“This is General Hux of the First Order, the republic is no more, your fleet are rebel scum and war criminals. Tell your precious Princess there will be no terms there will be no surrender.”  
There was a pause and then you heard Poe, “Hi, I’m holding for General Hux.” You stopped yourself from snorting into the mic- this man was a genius.  
“This is Hux- you and your friends are doomed we will wipe your filth from the galaxy.”  
“Okay,” He sighed, “I’ll hold.” You chuckled to yourself, biting your lip.  
“Hello?” Hux seemed confused and it was taking everything in you to remain silent.  
“Hello, yes I’m still here.” You heard a mocking tone in Poe’s voice.  
“Can you-” muffled noise, “Can he hear me?”  
“Hux? With an H?” You couldn’t remain silent any longer, chiming in. “Skinny guy, kinda pasty.”  
You swear you heard a snort on the other end, probably Poe.  
“I can hear you, can you hear me?” Hux tried to remain calm.  
“Look we can’t hold forever, if you reach him- tell him Leia has an urgent message for him.” Poe took control of the conversation again. A pause and then, “About his mother.” You cracked up, pushing the mute on your headset. “Bb-8, punch it!” You heard between the two of you.  
You gasped again, zooming forward making you jolt back in your seat. “Poe!”  
You heard him chuckling on the other end. You were heading towards the Dreadnaught, they started firing but you were too small, weaving in and out.  
You were firing on their guns, taking out one at a time all the way up.  
“One left- send those bombers!” Poe called.  
“Here comes the parade!” You shouted, seeing fighter ships coming out. “Watch out!”  
“Yeah, yeah I see ‘em!” Poe shouted back.  
“We’re hit!” You called out a moment later, “Weapons are down!”   
“We have to take out that last cannon!” He shouted back, “Bb-8 can you work your magic, buddy?”  
Your held your breath, waiting for the light to change so you could fire. You were getting closer, closer, too close- light change. *blast* *blast*  
Shots were fired towards the surface before you fired at the cannon, rendering it useless.  
“Last transport ship has cleared from the surface.”  
“Woohoo!” Poe shouted from the other side.  
“Way to go bb-8!” You yelled.  
“Alright, Poe- get your squad back here.” Leia spoke.  
“No, General we can do this!” Poe answered back, flipping off the switch from communications after she tried to argue.  
“Poe, what are you doing?” You asked, now along for the ride.  
“We can take it out!” He answered, firm.  
You looked on in horror, trying to defend the bombers and other fighters as they got closer to the dreadnaught. One after another after another ships fell from the sky, there was a defeated gurgle in your throat.  
The last bomber managed after an eternity to drop the bombs, blowing up themselves shortly afterwards.   
There was silence instead of shouting from you, Poe could sense it.   
You pulled yourself out of the jet after landing. People tried to welcome both of you but you pushed past them with your bag in hand, trying to find somewhere quiet.  
“Y/N.” Poe tried to call after you to which you refused to hear. You made it to a room and gasped, running into Leia with tears forming in your eyes.  
“General.” You greeted, bowing your head.  
“You felt the loss, too?” She asked, sensing what was wrong. Poe slid behind you, trying to grab your hand. “Poe. You are demoted to Captain- after all that-”  
“No offense, General, but I only wish to speak with Y/N at this moment. I can find you after if you like so two people can yell at me in a row.”  
Leia patted you on the back as she walked past, “Give him hell, sweetheart.”   
There was the sound of the door shutting and silence crept in.  
“All of those people- good people.” Your tears started down your face, “For a small victory?”  
“Look-” He tried to pull you into him and you pushed him away, meeting his eyes.   
“Those people had lives! We could have escaped without so much loss.”  
“We won.” He argued, setting his jaw.  
“We did win that battle. At what cost? The cost of the war? Of families being broken?” Tears ran down your face, “What is it with me and people who like to destroy?”  
“It wasn’t like that- I did it for the rebellion.” He defended.  
“Ben did it for the First Order.” You sighed, sliding down against the wall behind you. “I just- need some time to accept what happened- no changing it now.”  
“Y/N...I-” He leaned down in front of you, “I’m sorry.”  
“Me too.” You choked up a little, looking away from him. He walked out of the room, a little angry.  
You sniffled, memories flashing through. Memories of the camp on fire, the training you endured, the ships crashing around you.

 

You could sense him- Kylo.  
“What happened?” He leaned down in front of you.  
“Violence happened.” You tried to sound indifferent but your voice cracked a little.  
“There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t regret things between us. I’ve started learning that I cannot change what I did no matter how much I wish it. I made my choice and now I have to live with it. No matter how much I regret my actions.” He started, slowing stroking your face. “I am sorry. Being sorry and still having feelings for you is what makes Snoke lose faith in me- which is why he is constantly monitoring me.”  
“Can’t we leave this all behind?” You wished for a moment, knowing you both couldn’t. “Come join me. Come back to me.” You looked in his face, searching for a sign that would give you hope. His face remained calm, a slight flicker in his features and then someone called out to him, making him disappear.  
“Ben- I want to save you.” You said out loud for the first time. You stood, determined- you knew what you had to do but how?


	8. Calm Before the Storm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to figure out some way to save Ben wouldn't be easy- unless she uses herself as a distraction, right?

You prepared a bag. You breathed, trying to form a plan in your head. You had to reach him, in person. You needed to stand in front of him- try to stop him.   
Rey had gone to find the location of Luke- you thought it best if you hadn’t gone with her.  
You walked towards the pods quickly, planning as you went. You could just- ask for permission on, right?  
“Halt!” You heard someone behind you before you went closer to one of the bays. “Who goes there?”  
You turned around and faced a young woman who looked familiar and gasped, “You’re Rose, right?”  
“Ye-Yes.” She answered, wavering.  
You chuckled a little, “No worries, we haven’t met. I know your sister, Paige.”  
She smiled and then frowned, tears forming in her eyes. “She was amazing.”  
You paused, your face changing, “She’s- Oh no. She was on the bombing run, wasn’t she?” You breathed, trying to stop your feelings from coming through, “I am so sorry for your loss.”  
She smiled slightly up to you, “Thank you very much. You wouldn’t believe how many people I have had to stop jumping ship today- my sister gave her life for this ya know?”  
You nodded, looking sympathetic.   
“But the last one is bringing me on a mission with him- Finn.” She explained what they were trying to do and you asked if you could help.  
The plan formed in your head- you could help the rebels and still get to your Ben. You would do both- you wouldn’t give everything up.  
Getting ready to leave, there was an alert going on around the ship. They had found you- the First Order. You couldn’t understand how- but Rose and Finn came up with a plan, with Poe. You were uneasy around him but glad it was talk about work and not something personal at the moment. The fighters were launched and coming towards the ship- you could feel him ever so slightly- Ben. You wanted to call out to him but he seemed to be blocking you out. He swept through with his fleet, going through the one bay and destroying a large amount of fighters. 

Then you could sense him- he was hesitating. You could feel it in him and your heart hurt, begging him to stop this attack. Then there was an explosion- you could sense pain tearing through him. Leia. Your breath caught as you sensed the room and one by one you sensed less people there. Leia was hanging on by a thread.  
You got on a pod with her and Finn immediately. You only had one shot at this now. You frowned a little thinking about the situation on the ship and with Ben. Poe seemed like he wanted to be your friend and that he understood you and your goal. And then he proved with his actions that he was the same violent personality you were trying to escape. But you sensed the hesitation in Ben- after all the training he had from Snoke he was still in there- you wanted to save him.  
You had enough training combined with Poe translating for BB-8 that you were confident you could pull down the shields long enough for you to slip through undetected. You had to have faith- after all, there was no longer another plan that you could think of- the good thing is that a lot of people hadn’t known your plan so there wasn’t really anyone to stop you from going amidst all the chaos.   
“Once in there they will sense us after a couple of minutes.” Finn frowned.  
“You two can go- I’ll surrender myself to them. Hopefully they will assume I’m the only one who boarded. From there you can do your technical stuff and save them.” They both started to fight you and you added, “I’ll be the safest one. I have- history with Kylo. It should hold them off long enough not to sense you both.”  
They quietly nodded after another minute, seeing it as the best plan. You held your breath the closer it got.  
“You ready?” Finn asked and you nodded with a smile.  
“As ready as I’ll ever be.” You let yourself sound light and positive but you were internally freaking out. You could easily mess this up and that would be it. You breathed and closed your eyes, receiving some instructions from Poe in your ear and nodding- you executed it at just that moment and… you were in! You breathed shakily as Finn and Rose cheered a little. You had done it, you breathed in and out once more.  
Once you landed they snuck off the ship. You waited for a minute. And then another minute. Your heart raced, you were being impatient. You walked off the ship and tried to figure out a way to meet up with Ben. You could sense him ever so slightly and you worried he would sense you. You followed your gut and forced open the door. Your breath caught.  
There he was. He was sitting on the floor, holding his face in his hands.  
“Really? Now?” He sounded angry as the door had already shut behind you. He uncovered his face and looked at you.  
“Yes, now.” You smirked a little at him, “Always trying to boss me around.” You giggled. It hurt to know how close you were- he hadn’t realized it wasn’t a vision yet and you enjoyed the calm of you being there.  
“You have tried to get rid of me multiple times, why should I not do the same now?” He looked angry and your brows furrowed.  
“Ben-”  
“I told you to stop calling me that!” He yelled to you, throwing a pillow. You caught it in your arms and his whole demeanor looked torn- he was pleased and angry. He stood immediately, striding across the room in an almost annoyed fashion. His hand came out and hovered near you, not quite touching you. He finally decided on grabbing your arm and his face hardened after a moment. “You are a fool.” His face softened for a moment and he leaned in to kiss you-the door beeping before he could. His face rehardened and he cleared his throat, dragging you along with him.  
Your heart fell a little as he pulled you down the hall without speaking anymore to you. He was bringing you to Snoke- of that you were sure. Your breath caught a little in the elevator- you felt a ton of bricks bury you.  
“I may be a fool-” You spoke in almost a whisper, “But I am a fool who is in love with you. After everything that has happened- I still love you. I’ve tried putting you behind me, but you are my future.” You gulped as you got closer, “And if I die for you, then… so be it.” You finished as the door opened.  
There he was- Snoke. You were pushed by a stormtrooper who then stayed behind in the elevator as Ben walked behind you. You snorted a little- either they weren’t allowed or he was scared to come in.   
“Well, well. The elusive Y/N I’ve seen many times in Ren’s thoughts.” He cackled. Your face hardened upon seeing him.  
You stood there, unanswering.  
“Come closer.” He beckoned. When you refused to move he tried to use the force. You fought as hard as you could but he lifted you off the ground and put your feet and hands behind your back.  
“That’s better.” He grinned.  
“Has anyone ever told you you look like like a corpse? You have a really weird shaped head, dude. Seriously.” You spoke, choking near the end.  
“You have a strange sense of humor.” He glared.  
You tried to laugh and it came out strained, “Avoiding the question? I get it-” Your voice was barely coming out, the air harder to get, “You can’t choose your head shape. Or your squidward looking body.” There was a sharp pain coursing through out you, your airway getting cut out completely. Just when you thought you were going to pass out-he let air back in.  
“Such a pity- you have such potential.” He frowned a little, waving his hand ever so slightly.  
You gritted your teeth together, and then you screamed. It went on for another minute and when it stopped you tried to catch your breath.   
You fought back with everything you had, getting free of his hold for a moment and bringing your light saber forward. It whipped around and slammed you in the head before you were back under his control.  
He slid you towards Ben, pushing you through pain as you were in front of him. His face hadn’t wavered. Tears formed in your eyes as defeat was staring you in the face.  
“My worthy apprentice, son of darkness, heir apparent to Lord Vader, where there was conflict I now sense resolved, where there was weakness, strength. Complete your training and fulfill your destiny.” He breathed out as you tried to shake your head.  
“Pathetic child. I cannot be betrayed or beaten. His mind, his intent- I see everything.” He gurgled a chuckle, signaling him to kill you. “I see his mind- he’s turning the lightsaber to strike true. And now, foolish child.- He ignites it.” Ben had not stopped looking in your face, and now he turned on the lightsaber. There was another cackle from behind you, “Now- he kills his true enemy!”  
You closed your eyes when you heard the sound. You expected pain and anguish but there was none. You dropped to the ground, your eyes opening after a moment.  
You felt your stomach- you were unharmed. You turned around and saw Snoke’s surprised face before Ben pulled the lightsaber to you. Your hand reached up and grabbed it and you stood, turning back to him.  
You looked in his eyes and there was unharbored emotion- he seemed free for the first time in so long. You stomach twisted the opposite way as Snoke’s guards came over to attack you both and you turned back to back. Your heart nearly leapt out of your chest- almost there.  
You fought, perhaps harder than you ever had. One down, guard up. Another came in, and then two at a time with different weapons. You tried to breathe, you were a trained warrior. You could do this. After a couple more you were done, you looked over at Ben who was struggling against the last one.  
“Ben!” You called, throwing your closed saber to him. He caught it and opened it, effectively killing him.   
You tried to catch your breathe again, was that really it? You met Ben’s eyes, walking closer to him.  
“Are-” He gulped, “Are you alright?” He staggered towards you and you him. You were both close now- there was a quiet around the room that was almost spooky.  
Your hands tried to raise to his face but instead remained by your side. He gulped audibly.  
“Did- did you mean what you said?” He asked after another moment of silence shared between you.  
You nodded slightly, “I’ve always loved you, Ben. Even when I tried not to.” You tried to smile a little and it came out sad. His hand came up to the side of your face and you leaned into it.  
“Will you join me?” He asked after embracing you. You looked up at him with a questioning look. “In taking over this enterprise?” He finished, trying to chuckle but looking nervous.  
“Taking over? Ben…” You stroked his chin, a warm familiarity washing over you, “This is wrong. Surely you can see that.”  
“I can see that the parties who are involved know nothing of what the planets want. They don’t listen to anyone they just fight over and over again.” He nodded, setting his jaw.  
“Ben,” You pulled his face into your hands, “This is no longer our fight. We’ve won our battle- neither of us need to do anything more.”  
“But with Snoke gone the rebels will win easily.” He shook his head.  
You looked at him, leaning your forehead against his, “Would that be so bad? We can go, live our lives in peace.” Tears finally dropped from your eyes, “That’s all I want in my life. To have you, to be with you, for longer than the couple of weeks I got with you. In peace. No orders.” You chuckled, “We can both go train together.”  
He let himself smile a little, giving you a look over, “You are incredibly beautiful. I almost forgot what you do to my heart and stomach.”  
“I have never forgotten what you do to mine.” You nudged his nose with yours a little and he grinned, leaning in to kiss your lips.   
\--  
The breeze washed over you, water lightly drizzling around. Weeks had passed since you had stolen a ship to get away from the Order and the Rebels. You had gone to an island with a lower population than most around and had started learning their language.   
You were waiting out the storm that had been brewing between the two sides- avoiding even conversations when brought up around the island. You wanted to have what little peace you could in case there was to be another leader brought in.  
“Hello my love.” Ben spoke after he sat down next to you on the rocks. He smiled over at you and you leaned in to give him a kiss.  
The last few weeks had been rough- Ben had constant nightmares and an aftermath of mental trauma after the brainwashing Snoke had installed in him. You tossed and turned yourself trying to see if everyone had been alright.  
“Hello yourself.” You grinned after the kiss as he swept you up in his arms.  
“It seems so calm around here.” He noted, breathing deeply.  
You nodded, “I would say it’s the calm before the storm.”  
END UNTIL NEXT FILM.


End file.
